Home Country Leave

When Expatriate Couples Must Live Apart

So, it's like this: I flew back to Shanghai after the holidays. I was in Shanghai for two whole days when I was forced to return home to deal with an emergency situation with a family member. Life's realities require my presence and energies stateside, there's no way around it.

My husband will continue to work in Shanghai for he's very happy with his job, and quite frankly, more than ever we NEED his salary.

Technologies are such a blessing. My husband and I Skype, IM, and SMS to stay in touch. We also have shared common interests that keep us 'on the same page'.

Many expatriates get a 'rush' from the challenge of living through vastly divergent cultural experiences. The one constant in an expat's life is the un-constant and the sheer joy of conquering challenges, and it's these traits that may be our saving grace through this time in our lives. We'll get through this. We're not happy campers living apart, but it is what it is.

Trailing Taitai's Take

What I’ve learned about Shanghai so far…

Today is my last day in China for the remainder of 2009. While we arrived in Shanghai in March of this year, my experiences and time here have been limited due to family obligations that called me back to the states for a better part of the year. The following are my opinions about life in Shanghai based on my limited time and experiences as a trailing wife (taitai in Chinese).

HOUSING
Just like any other major city, housing costs run the gamut in price and amenities. Western living = many amenities = much $$$. There’s no getting around if you insist on a washer/dryer and an oven (and dare to dream of a dishwasher) the housing will come at a cost whether it’s an apartment, a villa, or a house. And the closer you live to the metro, shopping, and restaurants the more the rent as well. On a good note - many rentals come at least partially furnished, and furnishing styles and needs are negotiable. So are ADSL (Internet) service, cable, gym memberships, Ayi service (maid service), utilities, etc. KEY: Everything is negotiable in Shanghai.

FOOD – Grocery Stores/Dining Out
Western = $$$$ Food is our biggest expense.
Dining…We’re not huge fans of local cuisine; truth is I don’t care for it in the least (I’ll not apologize for not taking a liking to duck tongue, duck feet, eel, fish heads, chicken with bones, donkey, and cooked shrimp with all the body parts)! As for the western eateries - dining out is expensive, and the service and food are spotty. We've yet to experience a 'memorable' meal. Grocery shopping…While almost all food sources can be had, western items come at extortionate prices; boxed cereals $10+, canned soups $7, flour $8, small vanilla extract $13, coffee $17lb, etc. NOW – I’ve found Chinese flour that puts White Lily brand (popular in states) to shame and it’s only $2 a large bag. Also, the fresh vegetables and fruits are plentiful and of good quality. AND – there’s this incredible English-spoken food delivery service called Sherpas. For about a buck-fifty food from any 200 participating restaurants is delivered to our door.

TRANSPORTATION
One of the BEST aspects of Shanghai is transportation despite the millions of asinine manic drivers. I say this in part because two weeks ago my husband hired a driver who speaks, reads and writes English – so our personal transportation issues have changed dramatically!! We’re still amazed at how “Johnny” came to be – but we are extremely grateful. But, aside from Johnny, Shanghai has a CHEAP and plentiful taxi system, great bus system, and a clean and modern subway system. There’s also the maglev that travels from the airport to the center of town at over 300mph! Yes, the drivers are absolutely horrific here – worse than Rome, Mexico City, Barcelona – worse than any place we’ve witnessed. But, I have to give a thumbs up on transportation – I think the city is doing a very decent job in transporting 22 million folks about town daily. As in any major city, there are many folks biking and walking as well. We walk much more here than in our little hometown in the states, and we’re extremely cautious when crossing the streets. Pedestrians DO NOT have the right-of-way in Shanghai.

ENTERTAINMENT
There’s plenty to do and see and Shanghai; there’s the tourist sites, parks, movie theatres, aquarium, city tours, karaoke (KTV), foot massages, sports bars, sports teams, opera, symphony, museums, concerts…but mostly we just buy black market movies for 5rmb each from Annie and Joey down the street. We also stream our favorite shows from the major USA networks. I’ve also taken a calligraphy class, and husband plays softball for a Taiwanese team with the Shanghai Softball League. Shanghai has plenty to offer everyone!

SHOPPING
Two words: Timely and Exhausting
I wrote a little about shopping in my last entry. Shopping is truly a sport, a past-time, here. I am NOT a shopper. It wears me out to shop here. When we must purchase something the first phrase out of my mouth is “We live here, not tourist” and we immediately shave 5 minutes and at least 100 yuan off the negotiation. Thankfully, my husband totally gets off on the sport of it all, so he gladly does the interacting. By the way - you don't have to know Mandarin to shop here - everyone speaks calculator! Good buys we’ve found so far: Pearls, china (dinnerware), prescription eyewear, art, custom framing, some silk items. We’re looking forward to finding a good tailor to have some clothes made, supposedly some good ones are out there. Many more items can be had cheaply here – but they’re cheaply made. My husband just purchased a “north face” jacket at Xinyang Market for $30US – he bought it because it was a good buy for a jacket, not for the branding.

COMMUNITY SUPPORT
A+ expat community support whether you’re American, British, Canadian, Japanese, Italian, Spanish, French, Korean,etc. There are many social clubs, charities, publications, websites all dedicated to expats of every nationality in Shanghai. The government support of the expat community is commendable as well.

MEDICAL CARE
We don’t have any first-hand knowledge of the hospitals dedicated to westerners, but they all have a decent reputation. There is a pharmacy only a block from our apartment that carries many western prescription medicines. There are many western educated, trained and licensed dentists and doctors practicing in Shanghai.

TECHNOLOGY
We heard all sorts of nightmares about slow Internet connections, site blocking, etc. That has not been our experience. We have fast ADSL with wireless router, and my husband and I both subscribe to a personal VPN service. No websites are blocked, skype, media streaming, banking, and all other Internet functions work as fast and as well as in the states. For anyone thinking of a move to China I highly suggest investing in a skype telephone number and purchasing a personal VPN service.

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS
Shanghai = safe, friendly city
Expo 2010 = city upgrades
Stares…slowly learning to ignore
Fork please!
Bottomless Baby Britches = uuggh
Spitting = GROSS
Locals wearing PJs in public = ?
Beeping Horns = courtesy warning of impending doom
Speaking English and understanding “the English” = LOL
Snowflake on bus = air conditioning
Two spinning barber poles outside salon = hair cut with “happy ending”
“Happy Ending” = well, guess!
Ayis, Driver, and Sherpas meal delivery = :)
Stinky Tofu = a food that lives up to its name x10!
Shanghai as an expat assignment = pretty darn great!

"Looky, looky..."

Shopping at Dongtai Lu Antique Market

My husband was off for 8 days in commemoration of the 60th Anniversary of Chinese National Day. It was an ideal time to explore the city due to the mass exodus of city folk who traveled back to their home provinces.  Traveling by taxi this week was much more advantageous than the metro (our usual mode of transport) - we zipped from one end of city to the next for a fraction of the time and cost of a 'regular' non-holiday. One of the most interesting places we visited was the Dongtai Lu Antique Market - the largest remaining "antiques" market in the city. We saw few, if any, valuable antiques. We saw mostly replicas covered in the city's grit in an attempt to disguise their newness.  But we still highly recommend visiting this market for nothing more than photo ops and to savor the sights and sounds of the trinkets and trinket dealers.  Phrases bantered about went..."Looky, looky, cheap price for you" and "Looky Lady (mister), cheap, cheap" and when we insisted on the cheap prices promised we got, "You KILL me" and "I no feed my children" and "I make no money"...and so forth.

Haggling is more fervent here than any other country I've shopped; we've literally been screamed at in the process of coming to amicable terms, but the Chinese just naturally bark at one another.  There is a rhythm, a 10 minute getting-to-know-you period, involved in the first-time purchase from a new shop.  Becoming a client is a pretty big deal here, and we've been rewarded nicely for our patronage.  We are certain we're not getting 'local' prices, but we're getting much better prices and without a moment's haggle after our 3rd or 4th trip.  The shop owners are especially appreciative when we introduce new patrons to their shop.

Just as one needs to go prepared to dine for an entire evening in a latin country, one needs to plan a healthy time frame around shopping in Shanghai. Shopping here is a time honored past time and is definitely different than western shopping practices.  Much better bargains will be had here, but patience with Chinese convention is key.  Disclaimer - the same rules and relationships do not necessarily apply to the fake markets (black market goods).

Get directions to market via google maps

Anyone?

Dealing with a Home-Country Crisis

Less than two months into our new assignment in Shanghai, we received disturbing news that our youngest adult child, a young man only weeks from his 21^st birthday, was suffering with what appeared at the time acute depression.

I left Shanghai the end of May. I am writing this blog on my return flight to Shanghai, September 29. To put things bluntly, our family has been through hell this summer, and at four months into our new lives as we know it, we’re nowhere settling this most unsettling situation. To the point, fate has dealt our son a most regrettable mental disorder. There’s no cure, only managed health care. But the catch with all persons suffering with debilitating mental disorders; it is extremely difficult for them to reason past their perceived realities to understand they need help.

The details of my son’s illness are not mine to share. The point is, dealing with such derailing circumstances would be incredibly difficult for any family, but factor our expat lives into the equation and we’ve got a royal mess on our hands.

I’ve not blogged all summer because of the energies it has taken to deal with the myriad of issues we’ve faced; I’ve faced, actually. My husband has had his own issues with which to struggle – we’ve neither had it easy.

We’ve done for our son all we can at the moment. I am flying back to Shanghai with a heavy heart for my son, but for a happiness to see and be with the love of my life. But my time in Shanghai will be short. I am flying back in a month.

I welcome anyone’s advise who has dealt with a crisis at home while living as expats.

Doing Business in China

Guanxi - Developing Relationships

My wife has asked me to write a couple of blog installments while she is back in the USA and I am still in Shanghai.

The last few weeks I’ve taken the opportunity to do some business travel to meet some suppliers to our operation here in Shanghai. My visits were to areas of China that I have never been so the sights and scenery were a little different than that of Shanghai. Some of the areas I visited looked very much like mountains of North Carolina where our US home is located, so I felt very much at home.

The thing I found most interesting about the trips was the time spent with our suppliers. Some of the interaction was at the manufacturing facilities during my tour and meetings, but the most important interaction was at lunch or dinner. In China, a very important part of doing business is developing a relationship with your customer, client, or supplier. In China this is called “guanxi”. Guanxi literally means "relationships” and is really any type of non-family relationship. In business it is the network of relationships among individuals or companies that cooperate together and support one another. In the USA we generally try to form a partnership between two companies as well that benefits both companies. In China, this partnership is much more complex and often looks almost illegal from a westerner’s point of view.

Guanxi can take on many forms. It is sometimes based on money that is generally given in a red envelope, but in business, most times it is just an understanding and a feeling of trust between two companies or individuals. You want to do business with someone that you can trust completely. Guanxi is widely involved in the Chinese business culture with government interactions. Many times government Party officials or managers in Customs or other offices are given gifts or “red–envelope” money as a way to help cultivate a working relationship. In many cultures, including maybe the USA, these payments or gifts may be seen as a way to skirt the law – a bribe. In China, it is not a bribe but is just a cost of getting things done efficiently. It is completely legal in Chinese culture and not regarded as bribery in any way. Trustworthiness of both the company and individual is an important part of guanxi. Following through on promises is also important. Developing this guanxi can take much time. It is really like building a long term friendship. The Chinese feel obligated to do business with their friends first.

A major way to build this relationship between two companies is through a somewhat formal lunch or dinner. Many times spouses or children are also involved.

The planning of meals and interaction during meals is a very interesting part of the Chinese culture and the building of guanxi between individuals or companies. I had heard and read much about proper etiquette during a Chinese business meal. Much of what I learned was exactly what I encountered during the business meals of my trip.

Next blog installment…the Chinese business lunch/dinner and what I had no choice but to eat.

Emergency Leave

Being Flexible and Available to Family

I am writing from our home in the beautiful Carolina Blue Ridge Mountains. I arrived home a few days ago. I’ve not blogged due to arranging and preparing for the trip. One of our daughters was broadsided by another driver who failed to stop at a red light. Luckily she was unharmed, but our Volvo wagon wasn’t so lucky. The wreck, along with some other family issues, pushed my scheduled home leave up a month. I will be in the states for six weeks to take care of as many matters as possible. From what I have been told, I’ll be returning just in time to experience the sweltering Shanghai summer in all its muggy, mosquito-y splendor.

Coming home is bittersweet. My husband and I hate being apart, especially now that we’re on opposite sides of the world. But it does my soul good to hug and laugh with my growns. I’m home just in time to celebrate our firstborn’s 28th birthday. I’m also scheduled to see other family and many friends.

My husband and I meet online every morning and evening to connect and discuss our days. I make a point to handle stateside matters in as positive manner as possible, there’s no sense in worrying my husband with issues that he can do little about in China. He’s already dealing with a hefty amount of guilt for being so far removed from his loved ones. He, in turn, shows me the same courtesy by handling all Shanghai issues. We prefer to work as a team, side by side, but we do what we have to do when times like these emerge. ~ Just so you know, it took us several botched attempts and loads of blaming and whining our last expat assignment before we learned to handle issues effectively.

Ever the opportunist, my husband is taking advantage of my time away by traveling for business over the next few weeks. I have asked him to pen the next few blogs. Stay tuned to read his take on establishing business relationships or "guanxi" - select this link to learn more about this important part of Chinese business culture.

Bazaar

Shanghai Community Center Spring Bazaar


Friday the Community Center Shanghai held their annual spring bazaar at the Pudong branch, and it was a flying success! The weather was divine, there was an excellent array of vendors and there were hundreds of expat and local supporters taking advantage of the unique offerings.

I certainly did my part to stimulate the local economy! I bought several gifts and also took a great interest in the Jinshan peasant paintings by artist Lu Yongzhong.

Before walking to the bazaar my husband and I had a conversation about our time here so far. We both agree that it hardly feels as though we're living in China. The area we're living feels very similar to a short visit we made to Rome (and other Italian cities) last year. Just like Rome, Shanghai is a true international city so we're living a vastly different lifestyle had we been relocated to any other city in China (except Beijing), just as the cities of Italy felt much more 'Italian' compared to Rome.

All continues to go well. It's uncanny how the 6 degrees of separation seem to prove out...yesterday I met two ladies from SC and both graduated from Clemson, my husband's alma mater. Met another fella who lived in Hickory for years, and yet another fella who has been in Shanghai for 12 years and owns a condo up hwy 25 near the Blue Ridge Parkway. My husband struck up a conversation with him upon seeing his NC Tarheels hat. Small world.